


Merlin Versus IKEA

by coconutknightshade



Series: The Gay and Wondrous Life of Merlin and Arthur [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arthur is tired of Merlin's shit, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, IKEA, M/M, Merlin is a Little Shit, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coconutknightshade/pseuds/coconutknightshade
Summary: In which Merlin is 50 Shades of Over he and Arthur's trip to IKEA.----Merlin gasps dramatically. Arthur looks down- The label on the sheets read GÄSPA.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: The Gay and Wondrous Life of Merlin and Arthur [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1674748
Comments: 24
Kudos: 203





	Merlin Versus IKEA

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a treat to write!! Shout out to Cas for diving back into Merlin (and Teen Wolf) with me!! 
> 
> Heavily inspired (and puns lifted) by [This Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T2oje4cYxw) of a man throwing IKEA puns at his unimpressed girlfriend.
> 
> I've never been to IKEA and it probably shows.

"Hey- Hey, Arthur!"

The man in question comes to a stop, eyes falling shut as he fights to keep his patience. They've been working through IKEA for only a few hours, and Arthur is on a mission. It's near closing time, and they've not seen another soul for nearly a half-hour. And as dull and tedious as this trip has become, it's clear that Merlin is struggling even more so than Arthur. 

"Merlin, I swear to God. If this is another-" Merlin collides into Arthur's back, forcing the man to stumble a step forward. He whirls on his boyfriend, glaring at the shit-eating grin on his face and completely ignoring the phone Merlin has trained on him. In his other hand, he's carrying a set of sheets. This has been going on for almost an hour now. 

Merlin gasps dramatically. Arthur looks down- The label on the sheets read **_GÄSPA._ **

Arthur's jaw clenches as he tries to keep a straight face. As Merlin continues to laugh at his own joke, Arthur cracks, laughing traitorously and pushing Merlin away from him with a huffed, "You're not funny, _Mer_ lin." 

He's a good seven feet away when Merlin finally stops laughing long enough to catch up. 

"I don't think you have the necessary koala-fications to make that judgment call." 

"I need to find a shop attendant. Somebody's lost their _child_ in the store." 

"Oh hoh, look who's got jokes now."

They go on like this for a while- 

_"Arthur, I don't think we've got any of these. Or you don't, anyway." It's a kitchen pan labeled_ **_TOLERANT_ ** _._

 _"Arthur, I'm so skilled at this." Merlin flips around a set of notepads, the label reads_ **_SÄRSKILD_** _. Arthur is not impressed._

 _Merlin's holding a notebook, the label reads_ **_KÄNNETECKEN_** _. Arthur's already shaking his head when Merlin snorts, "Arthur, I just canna take it anymore."_

Until finally, Merlin grows bored of the antic. Having been distracted by a mahogany table, it takes him a moment to notice that the other man has become unusually silent. It's with some trepidation that he slowly turns around, eyes scanning for his wayward boyfriend. 

" _Mer_ lin, what the fuck are you-? Do not!" Arthur hisses quietly, glancing around hastily in fear of a shop attendant walking upon the pair. Merlin, the _menace,_ is bent over, hands braced on a large display bed for balance as he toes off his shoes and clambers up, muttering to himself about looks being deceiving. 

At Arthur's, _it wasn't an outburst,_ outburst, Merlin grins, looking entirely too pleased with himself as he stretches out. 

"Ya know," he says, completely ignoring the blond in favor of wiggling further up the bed, arms moving in a way reminiscent of making snow angels. "I really didn't expect this to feel as nice as it does."

"We're not here for a bed. Get _up_ ," Arthur says again, voice dropping an octave, but sounding more pleading than dangerous. Once again, his eyes dart around for any sign of employees. A derisive and somewhat amused snort pulls his attention back to Merlin. 

"We _absolutely_ are buying a new mattress. Mine is busted and yours- Well, let's not forget that I've seen first-hand the lads you used to parade through our apartment. We'd do the world some good lighting that mattress on _fire._ " 

"Oi! Ironic, you knocking my taste in men when _you're_ the one I'm parading through my apartment now." Arthur's taken a step forward, standing in the thorofare separating the bedroom section from the _third_ kitchen section they've seen in the last three hours. He's got his arms crossed over his chest and is smirking at his long term friend turned boyfriend.

" _Obviously_ , your tastes have matured." Merlin rolls onto his side, using a hand to prop up his head and running the other over the comforter, shooting Arthur a playful _come hither_ look. Arthur, however, isn't having it. 

"Merlin, I'm serious. If we get caught-'

"We aren't going to get caught! Have you seen the size of this place? They've not enough staff to patrol. I mean Christ, Arthur, how long has it been since we've seen another person? How long has it been since we've seen _sunlight_?"

He collapses onto his back dramatically, giving up now on trying to lure Arthur over to the bed. "We're mole people now." 

"Considering you spend almost ten hours a day holed up in our bedroom, I'd say you were already halfway there." 

Merlin gasps theatrically. "I'm an _artist,_ Arthur. Those comic books aren't going to art themselves!" 

Whatever retort Arthur has dies on his lips as Merlin's expression morphs into one of genuine consideration. He's braced his feet on the bed, sitting up and crossing his legs before bouncing in place. Arthur scans their surroundings once more before taking the final few steps towards his boyfriend. Merlin isn't usually this childish, but Arthur can't really blame him. If he's honest with himself, Arthur's confident the only reason he's not cracked himself is due to years of tedious work his father had pushed on him as a child. 

"Arthur!" 

The blond jumps, startled at Merlin's saying his name in a voice that indicates it's not the first time he's said it in attempts to get the man's attention. Regardless, Arthur shoots his boyfriend a withering look, eyebrows drew together in his signature " _What the fuck, Merlin"_ expression. An expression that never accomplishes anything shy of Merlin grinning mischievously and Arthur's scowl deepening. 

"Seriously, Arthur. This bed was made for my arse. And by that, I mean _you_ ," Merlin tries again, humming as he leans back against the thousands of pillows placed meticulously against the headboard. He's let his eyes fall shut in content, wiggling just a little bit further down the bed into a position more comfortable. Arthur rolls his eyes and steps closer to where Merlin is sprawled so that he can flick the man's ear. When Arthur inhales deep, ready to tell Merlin precisely what he thinks of the man's behavior, he instead yelps as arms drag him abruptly onto the bed. 

“Merlin!” he gasps. “Merlin, no! Stop, I’m serious!” 

Merlin does _not_ stop, and Arthur only half-heartedly struggles to free himself from the other man's grip. He continues to squirm, however, trying to get his ass off the side of the bed so that he’ll maybe have enough leverage to slip free. But Merlin, laughing open and unashamed - _damn him_ \- has a solid grasp on Arthur and isn’t letting go anytime soon. They struggle for a bit longer, and Arthur, now laughing himself as he tries to wrestle free from his boyfriend, finally submits, letting his arms fall to the side. Merlin crosses his arms over his chest and grins down at Arthur, who is practically in his lap now, triumphantly. 

“You’re a child, and, quite frankly, Merlin, I don’t know why I have anything to do with you.” He’s pouting now, eyes shut, and nose upturned in a very holier than thou expression. 

Merlin laughs, placing a hand reverently to the side of Arthur’s face and brushing his thumb softly against the man’s cheekbone. “Because you wouldn’t have me any other way.”

At this, Arthur opens one eye and then the other. They sit like that for a moment- Merlin’s soft expression melting Arthur’s dramatic, cool exterior. 

“You sound fairly sure of yourself. Is that your final answer?” Merlin doesn’t take the bait, instead choosing the lean in, pressing a kiss to the blond’s forehead. Arthur’s eyes fall shut once more, and a lazy smirk tugs at the corners of his mouth. Merlin leans forward another few inches and properly kisses Arthur, whose soft lips are warm and pliant beneath his. The angle is awkward, but who is Merlin to complain? He’s confident that between Arthur landing a new job across the country, and the two of them finally admitting feelings for the other, Arthur hasn’t rested longer than a few hours at a time. It’s sweet, this. Even if it is in the middle of a goddamn IKEA and he himself is ready to pull a fire alarm if it means hightailing it out of there. 

This time when he pulls away, Arthur chases after, seeking one more kiss that Merlin indulges him in before rolling away and out from under the blond. 

Arthur shoots him a questioning look because, really, there’s no telling what Merlin is going to get into next. The man is unpredictable _at best,_ and yeah, maybe - just maybe - Merlin is right; Arthur wouldn’t have him any other way. 

He pushes himself up onto one elbow, twisting his torso to better watch Merlin as he _bounces_ up and down on the bed with an all too endearing expression of pure concentration. At the sight, Arthur struggles to hide a helpless grin, knowing well if Merlin spots it, it’ll only encourage him further. 

The effort is futile, as Merlin grins openly when he meets Arthur’s gaze. “Can you feel that?”

“Feel what?” Arthur asks suspiciously because no, he can’t feel anything. Apparently, this is the right answer, because Merlin’s face only brightens further. 

“Sold! It’s settled. We’re taking this bad boy home.” He hops off the bed and circles around to where Arthur’s legs hang over the bed, and where Merlin’s shoes still lay abandoned. 

“Yeah? How do you figure?”

Merlin rolls his eyes indulgently as if Arthur were missing the obvious. It’s not until he raises an expectant brow that Merlin caves, sighing dramatically as if Arthur is putting him out by having him explain. “You didn’t feel _anything._ That means whenever I get up in the night to take a leak-”

“To snack, you mean.”

“- you won’t be disturbed. _And_ I won’t wake you in the mornings when I get up early for a run.”

Arthur snorts. “It’s not you crawling out of bed that wakes me, _Mer_ lin. It’s your complete inability to do so quietly and without knocking over everything on the dresser and bathroom counter.”

Merlin’s right, though. The mattress lacks the dip and shifts their current one is unfortunately infamous for. This would, of course - Merlin’s late-night snacking or no - make for a much more peaceful and healthier night’s sleep. Arthur tilts his head, considering. Idly, he can hear Merlin in the background offended and protesting the charges laid against him. Too busy to further roast, Arthur tries to work the price slapped onto the headboard into their tight budget. 

It’s Merlin’s deep sigh after a moment of silence that pulls Arthur from his thoughts. With two elbows, Arthur props himself up from where he’s been lying, and better eyes Merlin, who is standing between Arthur’s legs with arms crossed over his chest petulantly. 

“I mean, I guess if you aren’t satisfied, we can continue to shop. But who knows how long it’ll take. We could be here for days. Maybe even months.” Merlin once again sighs, turns his head to stare dramatically into the distance- very ‘ _when will Johnny return home from the war?’_ style. Arthur rolls his eyes at the theatrics, but the corners of his mouth twitch threateningly into what might’ve grown into an amused grin. 

“I thought you’d already said _sold_.” Arthur finally pushes himself into an upright position and pokes Merlin’s abdomen. The man’s face immediately lights up, sending a wave of warmth through Arthur’s chest at the sight. 

“Does this mean we’re free? ‘Cuz I saw this place up the road… Go-Karts, Arthur. _Go-Karts_. I’m _dying_ to kick your arse!” Arthur huffs in exasperation. And _that_ would explain the daunting and near-immediate boredom on Merlin’s part upon stepping into the shop. With a smirk, he wraps his hands into Merlin’s scarf and tugs him close, Arthur’s thighs locking him in place. 

“You’re gonna-? My, aren’t we optimistic today, Mr. Emrys. I sure hope you can deliver.” At this, Merlin raises a challenging brow before his expression twists into something more devious. 

“Oh, I’ll more than deliver,” he teases, tilting his head down to capture Arthur’s lips with _purpose_. The promise of more sends chills down Arthur’s spine and pools low in his abdomen. 

Arthur’s hands untangle from the scarf and drop to Merlin’s hips, fingers digging in as he pulls the man snug up against him. His own hips roll lightly when Merlin’s hands find their way into Arthur’s hair and give a sharp tug so to better control the angle. A quiet whine escapes him when they finally part, breathless, and wanting more than their environment will allow. 

“I’ll make you a bet,” Merlin says, voice strangled as he pulls once again at Arthur’s hair until the man is less focused on his own breathing and more on the way Merlin’s mouth moves as he speaks. “And when I win, you, Arthur Pendragon, are going to-”

“Excuse you!” 

The two men startle, Merlin jerking away at the same time Arthur tries to stand, both nearly tripping over the other in the process. They wear matching expressions of pure _mortification_ as the sharp blue eyes of the man standing before them, mouth downturned and eyebrows furrowed in disapproval, pierce through them. 

“Do you, or do you not, see that overbearing sign with _large_ , _bold_ letters stating that the _beds are not to be laid or sat upon_?”

Merlin opens his mouth to speak, but Arthur elbows him in the side before he can say anything too snarky. 

“I am-” he voice cracks, still very affected from moments ago. He clears his throat before finishing, with as much dignity as he can muster, “- so sorry about that.” 

Now, standing beside the bed, he absently fiddles with the silver ring on his thumb, ignoring the way his cheeks flush still with embarrassment. He can’t be sure exactly what the man - _Mordred_ , his nameplate reads - would have heard had he happened upon them a mere few seconds later. Knowing Merlin’s filthy mouth, it likely would have been scarring for everyone involved. As it stands, Mordred’s expression does not waver at the uncomfortable apology. Arthur’s eyes cut to Merlin when the man turns towards him fully hands on hips with an appearance reminiscent of a parent about to scold a child. 

“Arthur!” he says with an exaggerated and exasperated sigh. “What was I _just_ saying? You can’t wander around _testing_ other people’s beds.” Merlin places a hand over his heart apologetically, turning back towards Mordred, who is watching them still with narrowed, suspicious eyes. “Let me assure you, this will _not_ happen again.”

Merlin plasters on the most trusting smile he can manage. All Arthur can do is stare at his smug boyfriend, jaw nearly dropped, in pure disbelief. Mordred rolls his eyes, spinning on his heels and walking off with a threatening " _it better fucking not”_ huffed under his breath. 

As soon as the man is out of sight, Merlin’s fake smile morphs into something more light-hearted and teasing. He turns to Arthur, who immediately grabs a pillow off the bed and smacks Merlin square in the face, nearly knocking him off balance before hitting him once more, this time over the head. The surprised look on Merlin’s face is priceless, pulling effortless laughter from the blond. He tosses the pillow back onto the bed and crosses his arms triumphantly while Merlin processes having taken a pillow to the face in the middle of IKEA. 

Arthur’s smug grin, however, falters when Merlin’s eyes sparkle with something that always ends in trouble. He gets so far as " _Merlin, whatever it is you’re thinking"_ before Merlin’s arms are wrapped tightly around his waist. They both hit the bed with a thud, bed lurching several inches to the left. The deafening screech of metal against tile and a damning crack - the two of them a sudden, scary four inches closer to the ground at an angle awkward enough they begin sliding towards the floor - has Arthur’s grip on Merlin’s shoulders tighten. 

When they hear a loud curse and the sound of shoes swiftly heading their way, they both roll, tumbling to the floor in a heap of flailing limbs. Arthur pushes against Merlin’s gut as he scrambles upright before making a mad dash to escape the scene of the crime, very _every man for himself_ schoolyard rules as they desperately try to ensure _they_ aren’t the one to get caught. Merlin isn’t too far behind, but without his shoes, his socks slip against the tile, and he hits the ground a second time before finally gaining enough traction to take off towards the kitchen section. 

Arthur has lost track of Merlin, and while he thinks he should pause to maybe listen for him, Arthur knows it will be futile, as all he can hear is his heart pounding in his ears. It’s because of this that he doesn’t hear Merlin whisper-shouting his name until he turns a corner, full speed, and slams into the man. 

It’s a miracle that their collision doesn’t send them both to the ground, but Merlin somehow managed to steady both of them… Not that it really mattered. Merlin hasn't _actually_ slowed down upon their collision. In fact, in the process _of_ trying to steady Arthur, Merlin's hand had gotten wrapped in the blond’s leather jacket, throwing him even further off balance. And Merlin, damn him, had burst out laughing before slapping a hand to his mouth in order to muffle the noise before taking off again.

_Rude._

Mordred now forgotten, Arthur takes off after Merlin, whose eyes widen at the realization, and who throws a breathless, _“It was an accident”_ over his shoulder while managing to pick up his pace. 

It’s when they hit the tile in the bathroom section that Arthur knows he’s got the edge. Stumbling still though in a fit of laughter when up ahead, Merlin’s socks once again slip, and he nearly tumbles to the ground. The floor inevitably wins out- This Arthur knows when up ahead he sees Merlin turn a sharp corner of display counters and, not three feet down the aisle, trip, upper torso disappearing from Arthur’s sight and never reappearing. 

When Arthur finally catches up to him, Merlin is laid out on his back, arms outstretched, staring up at the ceiling in defeat, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. Arthur comes to a stop beside him and bends over, hands on his knees as he too tries to catch his breath. They’re both red-faced, breathless and laughing. 

After a moment, Arthur reaches out a hand and pulls Merlin to his feet. They’re both grinning, Merlin bent sideways with an elbow resting on one of the counters, when Arthur punches his shoulder, which, honestly, only makes Merlin laugh harder. 

“Oi! What was that for?” 

“You almost threw me to the ground back there!” He says it like they were in the trenches. 

“I was _not_ about to get caught!” Merlin exclaims indignantly. “You heard me! I _assured_ him that it wouldn’t happen again. And I’m nothing if not a man of my word.” 

“Merlin, you're an absolute prat.” At this Merlin grins, turning around and drawing Arthur closer by the very jacket he’d nearly dragged him to the floor with. Arthur scowls but lets himself be pulled into Merlin’s embrace. When Merlin kisses the corner of his lips, still laughing softly to himself, Arthur tries and _fails_ to smother a grin of his own. 

“Of course, I am. But I’m _your_ prat.” Merlin flashes Arthur a proud, cocky smirk and slides his hands from Arthur’s hips to his lower back, pulling him even closer. Arthur looks at Merlin’s stupid attractive face and his stupid warm eyes, and _fuck_ , he absolutely loves this man. 

“That’s the smartest thing you’ve said all day.” Arthur buries his fist in the front of Merlin’s scarf and leans in, kissing him with fervor until the man melts against him with a small, pleased sound. Eventually, Arthur pulls back with a mischievous expression and starts navigating his way towards the nearest checkout, dragging Merlin with him. 

“Now let’s go order that bloody mattress so I can beat your arse at Go-Karts. And afterward, I’ll tell you, as the _loser_ , exactly what you can do for me tonight. In _excruciating_ detail.”

Merlin thinks maybe losing wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe it took nine years and writing a lot of IronDad fic for me to test the waters in my home fandom! 
> 
> Catch me on Tumblr at [coconutknightshade](https://coconutknightshade.tumblr.com/)!  
> It's exclusively IronFam and Merlin content, if that's your poison


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